El Charro in the Return of the Intestinal Creature from the Rio Muerto

Yes, it is I, el Charro. I am a pursued man. Round the globe I have traveled, all the while feeling as if I am being watched. When I left my home of Las Bocas, all was well except for a strange sensation of something lurking behind me. "Who is there" I queried, but when I turned...nothing...only an old lady eating a Mars Candy Bar (which, by the way, were much better when they used the whole almond as opposed to the chopped almonds). By plane, by train, by ship, by horse I wander, and after thousands of miles the strange haunting sensation...a strange nervous feeling in my gut. "What do you want from El Charro? Face me...you coward!", I yelled out. Still nothing but silence...blackness...and that old lady eating her candy bar.

I arrived at the shores of Australia, being called to battle the Giant Bat from the Outback. No sooner do I arrive than I feel invisible hands pounding my stomach. I fight back...but alas my fists hit empty air. Again and again the fists pound me until, I, El Charro lay motionless and unconscious on the ground. Days pass, weeks pass, and I lay in a state of delirium in a bed filled with sweat (hopefully my own). Strange dreams haunt me. I see a big thousand armed bug hovering over my limp body...I recognize this demon...the Intestinal Creature from the Rio Muerto! A monstrous bug that attacks when you least expect it. Forcing travelers to panic at the thought of long flights especially when they have a window seat and not a convenient aisle seat. How many unsuspecting souls has this beast humiliated? How many vacations has this bastard ruined. I last saw him in Mexico City, but he did not stay long, now he is back... I must fight...but I am weak. I must reach a pharmacy....there is one seven blocks from here...a long way to go in my condition. How many times will he attack from here to there. (THE FOLLOWING SCENES ARE TOO DISGUSTING TO RECOUNT...IN THE END...NO PUN INTENDED...I, EL CHARRO, MANAGED TO REACH THE PHARMACY...OR SHOULD I SAY CHEMIST...WHEN IN ROME...)

I now had my secret weapon. I was prepared for the Intestinal Creature from the Rio Muerto, but not before he snuck up behind me and gave a few swift roundhouse kicks with who knows how many of its slimy little legs. I'm on the ground. My fingers searching for the pharmacy bag that had dropped from my hand. "Where is it?" I struggle to find the one thing that can kill the blasted beast...finally I feel the cardboard box against my finger tips. Quickly I open it to find a plastic bottle. Damn! Child proof! I fumble some more. Time is running out. The beast approaches again. I can see it out of the side of my mask. Its purple arms preparing a leveling blow. At last the lid flies off and a golden glow radiates from the bottle.

The Creature cries out: No....IMODIUM....!

I load my six shooter with the tablets. Kabloom! Kabloom! Kabloom! Three shots to the monster's chest! Kabloom! Kabloom! Kabloom! And three shots to his head (which, by the way looks surprising like his chest). With a thud, he drops to the ground. Got him! I walk up to the slimy, lifeless bug to make sure the job was done. I give it a nudge with the tip of my pointy boots. Suddenly the creatures body divides into thousands, perhaps millions of tiny little versions of itself, scurrying in every directions. I have won the battle...but the Intestinal Creature from the Rio Muerto will return...who knows where...who knows when...watch your back.

I am El Charro

Hola...I am El Charro. I am a masked man. Why, you ask? What am I trying to hide. Am I disfigured, am I a person of a dubious history, or do I have sensitive skin. These I leave you to ponder. I shall offer clues, but no answers...for I am...El Charro de las Calaveras. Dark, demonic forces cannot hide from me...because I know them intimately (I don't say this in a romantic sense...I actually like good wholesome types, with a good sense of humor. Someone who likes taking walks through the desert, singing folk songs...preferable brunette). But I ramble...(if you do happen to match any of those descriptions you could always drop me a line).

Dark forces surround us my friends, I will try and help you navigate the world of the undead and the supernatural.So my first question comes from Joe in Dayton Ohio:
Dear El Charro,
I was recently watching the movie "The Fly", the original with Vincent Price. Way cooler than the remake. In this version a fly accidentally got into a transporter device with the scientist and the molecules mixed. This left a man with a fly head and arm and a fly with a tiny human head and human arm. So have you ever experienced something like this in your exploits.

Well Joe,
I have. As it turns out that was based on a true story. It started in the labs of a Argentinian scientist. I should point out that the Vincent Price version is closer to the actual account than that the Jeff Goldblum version (in which the DNA mixed together and the result was a slimy hairy fly man. Quite disgusting...really). The real story is not exactly like the film, either. Now, I, El Charro know the film biz, and I understand why they make certain changes. The real story was much less exciting than the fly headed scientist attempting to catch the tiny human headed fly....and the crescendo of an ending with the little fly in a spider web screaming "heeeeeelp me". Give me tingles.Okay back to the true account.

I was called on to the scene not long after the incident occurred. I rode up, without any knowledge of the situation. All I knew was that a scientist was messing with technologies that humans shouldn't be playing with. The estate of Dr. Fliegenöffnung was quite astounding. Beautiful gardens and marble columns. I was quickly led to the labs by the staff. I was aghast. What I saw was astounding. I saw what seemed to be a headless woman in very sexy, and quite revealing lingerie. Next to her, on a table was what was quite obviously her head. With closer examination I quickly noticed that Dr. Maxine Fliegnnasse was not headless at all, but she had a tiny little fly head in place of her human head. And what seemed like a decapitated head was actually her head with a tiny little fly body from the neck down (which seemed to want to fly away but the weight of the massive head was too much for it).

My time was spent talking to Maxine's head. It was pointless to talk to the fly headed body, since it seemed to somewhat A.D.D. the way it zig zagged around the room searching for something sweet. Actually, Maxine's body was quite annoying. Frequently it would bump into me pressing its little fly head against me. Of course, Maxine's head would apologize each time.

So what was El Charro to do? Well we quickly decided to put the two entities back into the machine, in the hopes that it would shuffle their bodies back to normal. It took a bit of time to gather up the body. While I was pleasantly talking with Maxine, the body had ran erratically ran out across the grounds to the stables. By the time I retrieved it the sexy nightie was covered in dung.

After a few other annoying delays I finally got both entities cleaned up (important because you wouldn't want horse manure mixed into this stew of parts), and placed in the large telephone booth looking machine. "Ready?" I asked. "Ready", Maxine's head replied. The fly headed body didn't say anything, it just banged up against the window. I flipped the big electrical switch. A flash of electricity and fire, and when the smoke finally cleared I could see that Maxine had her head back. What a relief. But then I noticed that she had one human leg and a tiny little fly leg in place of her other one. Rats. Of course, the fly looked perfectly normal...sans the fact that it had a gigantic human leg attached to it. So we tried again. Zap. This time the arms had been swapped. We tried again. Zap. Again, a failure....lower torsos were swapped. We must have tried hundreds of configurations. Finally we found a combo that she was willing to settle on. She was perfectly normal except for a itty bitty little fly proboscis for a mouth...and the fly was a fly with extremely large set of lips. As you can imagine this was not without its inconveniences. Dr. Fliegenöffnung had to change her diet to address the proboscis issue, and she was forced to talk through her little fly lipped companion...she was quite innovative, however. She created a little cage for the fly/lips and would wear it as a necklace. Speaking became quite easy.

Now, I'm not usually one to tell tales...but Dr. Fliegenöffnung and I did have a little thing. We saw each other, off and on for a few months. She's a charming woman, but quite frankly, I was a little weirded out by the whole kissing thing. It was a bit confusing...I won't go into details. I'm sure you can imagine.


I am El Charro

rider of the skulls, rider of the skulls, rider of the skulls, rider of the skulls, rider of the skulls, rider of the skulls, rider of the skulls, rider of the skulls.